I could not say

Contents warning: sexual assault

I could not say in my teens that I feared being sexually desired. Being sexually desired felt like I would lose control of my body. While I binged on Johnlock's explicitly sexual and romantic fanfics, and wrote about my sexual fantasies with who I was dating at the time, my body recoiled whenever I felt I was being sexually desired. I broke up with that person because of that. My fears had reached a point where I could not even stand to meet them in person. And we didn't have sex. We kissed once. As we said goodbye at a station.

I could not say how much groping on trains and swimming pools had scarred me. Up until college, the only "sexual experiences" I had were sexual violence by strangers. I didn't talk about this much, because I still vividly remember how powerless I felt at the time. I also didn't talk about it with people who fetishizes getting groped on trains; maybe it'd be fun if you actually wanted to get groped, but it really isn't when you just want to go to school in peace. I also didn't talk about these instances of sexual violence, because I felt guilty that I imagined, not just once but on many occasions, how much someone like this would pay to fuck me. At the time, I didn't understand these feelings at all. I thought I was confused. Or that maybe I did want to be groped, but every time I did, I felt so much anger, disgust, and fear. Those negative feelings would haunt me all day, and to some degree, even to this day. I really didn't understand why I desired getting fucked by someone who audaciously put their hands up my skirt.

But now I think I do. I think it was all about consent and the feeling of control that you can gain through only allowing someone to do something to me that I highly desired. I didn't like being sexually desired because I had only experienced being forcefully desired. Nor did I know how to protect myself when I didn't want to be sexually desired. But if I could have much better control over how someone acted out their desire towards me, that would have been ok I think, even for me at the time. That's probably why I imagined how I would successfully gain both money and sexual satisfaction from those sexual predators on the trains.

I stopped fearing being sexually desired, or having sexual experiences thanks to my ex who made me feel safe by being really really good at controlling how and when they exhibited their desires towards me. It was also around this time that I first learned about consent. I learned that I can and should say no when I didn't like something to protect myself as well as the relationship. I also felt so much euphoria when whoever I was fucking would ask before they did something to me. I gradually became much more open towards having sex with various people. I felt so much more in control. And had become a lot more street smart about who to trust or to pick.

It's a pity I felt like I could not talk about my fear of being sexually desired, and didn't talk about it for most of middle school and high school when I was fighting to not get groped every morning and evening.