Disordered eating????

Okay as the title says, this is about my eating habits and body stuff so please stop reading if this is not something you want to read right now.

So recently my friend and I kind of realized that I have very little interest in food. It's true. For me food is either good or meh, and high in calorie or not so high in calorie. My taste buds and my brain is not capable of appreciating differently prepared dishes. I either like it or meh. And even with good foods, all I'm thinking is "this is yummy!" And I don't really analyze what it tastes like, etc.

I also don't like cooking at all. I sometimes fry eggs and bacon but that's pretty much it. It's not that I can't cook, but I just don't enjoy cooking at all. I'll set the table and wash dishes, but if no one is cooking, I probably won't be either.

I also sometimes just don't like food at all. I eat because otherwise I can't get up and do stuff. I'm too weak from not eating for too long. Or something like that.

But I also do eat and can eat quite a lot. My girlfriend says I eat way more than I look like I can, and various people I've ate with have noted that fact too. So I do eat.

But when I eat a lot, I eat less for a day or two to balance out the calorie intake. If I can't see my abs clearly, for me that's a sign that I've been eating too much, so I'll skip a few meals and snack on stuff, or maybe just eat not too much at meals.

For me, all this was very normal. Until I found out how much my friend loves cooking and eating.

If I had to live on baked beans and toast for the rest of my life (given that those two food items supply me with all the nutrients I need without too much salt or sugar) I'd be totally fine. I love baked beans on toast.

But apparently that is not normal.

I can lose weight on command. I just don't eat. It's the easiest thing in the world for me. I can also gain weight if I really tried but that's way harder for me.

I do feel an urge to stay slim. Or stay slim enough that I can wear size 0 clothes, and wear the skinniest jeans. I also put a lot of my body related confidence on being thin. As long as I'm thin I'm okay. But not too thin that I lose my cute little butt.

Since I started getting my periods maybe when I was 16? I've never missed one due to being too skinny. And I guess the only time being skinny was an issue was at my primary school in London where I was sometimes picked on for being too skinny. Or when that time a classmate teased me for not wearing a bra.

But it turns out that there was a much bigger problem. My lack of interest in food. My friend said that if being skinny and passion for food were a trade off, she would not want to be skinny. And to be honest, I agree. Loving food probably brings a lot more happiness to your life than being skinny. But since I would never know, I'm stuck with my skinniness and little to no appreciation for all the amazing food stuff out there.